Life, Loss, and Turning 25

Hey there! So this will be a bit of a different post. I took a moment last year to write out some of my thoughts and wanted to share. I did this once before with my mental health post and will do it again here. Reading the first one might give you some context for this one:

October 31, 2017

So I turned 25 this week. I’ve always thought of it as an important age. A quarter of a century. An adulty adult age. More-so than 18 or even 21. It’s the age when I thought I’d have my life together (or at least more together) have figured out who I am a bit more and would be on my way in my career, possibly my love life, and just all together following my dreams. That’s not how it has turned out though. I’m not sure what to make of this stage of my life right now.

me in Prague in 2012

The last time I was visiting my best friend she used the word transient to refer to my place in life. In a way that’s true because life itself is transient. I think it’s a bit different. I feel like I’m not grounded in the real world sometimes. I spend most of my time in my room due to anxiety and illness. I often can’t drive and have been unable to work for over 2 and a half years. I feel more stagnated than anything. I’ve always considered myself a bit of a wanderer, always looking for new places new experiences somewhere where I felt I fit in the world. I’m not wandering now though, that would require movement. I just am. Existing waiting for the next thing.

People always say to enjoy your childhood while it lasts. It seems that more than missing my childhood I missed opportunities. It’s strange to me to think back on my life. I used to have it together or I thought I did. I traveled and did mission work as a young teenager. I graduated high school with honors and got several scholarships to college. I spent four years there in which I studied abroad twice. I graduated again with honors. I had planned to work for a year and head to graduate school in Scotland (going to college in Europe had been a longtime dream for me); I even had the deposit saved. Then everything fell apart. I never thought I’d look back on my life at 25 and wonder if the best years and experiences were gone nothing more than memories and lessons learned and life experienced. I sometimes feel that way now though.

So I approach this next year with a feeling of melancholy but also in a way gratefulness. A part of me feels bitter for the hand I’ve been dealt. “If I had known what would I have done different?” I think. But I also take joy in the fact that I experienced more in my first 22 years of life than some will ever be blessed to. I’ve been to Paris and London. Switzerland and the Bahamas. Belgium and Guatemala. I went to California for a concert just because I wanted to and was fortunate enough that I could. I, honestly, have done and seen so much that the resentment I feel towards what has happened is singed with a pang of guilt for being so selfish….greedy…as if what I’ve had wasn’t enough. That’s part of life I guess. We almost wish for more for better.

I don’t know what life holds for me but I hope that it gets better from here. Better is different now. Better is being healthy and happy, things I took for granted when they were always alongside me. Better is being able to maintain my responsibilities to be a better friend a better daughter a better sister. Perspective changes everything. I don’t know what life has in store for me going forward. I just hope…because hope is all I can do for the things outside of my control. So I’ll leave off by saying that my new best is yet to come and that it’ll be coming soon

Thanks for taking the moment to read my thoughts and remember. Don’t compare your worth your place in life to other people. It’s a lesson I’m still learning. All you can do is be YOUR best you and that will always be different than everyone else…and that’s okay. Also for anyone who is dealing with doubt, insecurity, listlessness or just doesn’t know, you’re not alone.

In the spirit of positivity and new adventures, I’ll be posting pics and thoughts about some of my favorite travel adventures soon. As always thanks for reading, bisous, and Happy New Year!

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